It is that time of year again. Time to recall, reflect, and say goodbye to an eventful, challenging year. They never go quite as planned. Although tough in the long run, 2018 taught me more than any year before. A major accident set off a series of events that ended up teaching me more about myself, relationships, and goals than I could have hoped. Today’s post is long, but it is time I get these thoughts out and there is much to consider from reflections on 2018.
Reflections on 2018 and Busy Resolutions
First of all, 2018 began clouded with anticipation. Eager to jump into goals and run through my new must-do checklist. Although claiming have no ‘resolutions,’ I had a slew of overachieving goals I wanted to accomplish ASAP. In a month that started out with my husband, Brad, at me at peak fitness, we were stopped in our tracks. The UFC Gym in Greenville, Cyclebar, yoga, disc golf, running, kickboxing, and Brazilian jiu-jitsu were all a typical week.
Part I – An Accident
This is my first time sharing this here, but I have spoke on it on Instagram stories. On January 27th I was hanging out with some girlfriends, excited about life, yet feeling anxious as ever. The endless feeling that I was not enough, that my soul is empty, and longing for more was loud.
Brad went duck hunting that morning. The entire season I had some sort of premonition and deep-rooted fear that something could happen while my husband, brother in law Josh, brother Dakota, Dad, and friend Tyler, were hunting. I had several nightmares and woke up with an image of an accident. This premonition never occurred in past years. I associated it with deepening anxiety. I often told Brad, “please, be careful out there” when he got up at dawn to go hunt.
Later That Day
Later that day, our friend Dan invited Brad to go shooting again out in Anderson, SC. At the end of a Pure Romance Party I was attending, I noticed Brad had not responded to texts (yes, Pure Romance – I could not make this stuff up). As a result, I robotically gazed down as I read his name. Certainly, that moment felt scripted and surreal. Today we have reviewed this situation so many times; it felt like I was acting out a film. Next, I answered the phone because a gut feeling told me something is off.
The Worst Phone Call
Brad spoke first, “Audrey-“
“Hey babe, what’s up?”
“I need you to stay calm because I am freaking out. I shot myself.”
“What- what do you mean you shot yourself?” I stepped back from circle of people with whom I was just laughing.
“We were shooting and it went off and went through my arm,” he worded. As a result, I immediately floated toward the door.
Panic set in, I said, “Brad shot himself,” and ran out of the house. Needless to say some people were terrified as that statement was confusedly spread amongst family. I ran to the car while my sister Gabrielle followed.
“Where are you?” I questioned shakingly.
The Emergency Room
Brad said they were on the way to Anmed hospital in Dan’s car because he was bleeding a good bit. He said goodbye and we hung up, which was not enough information for me. Gabrielle told me she would drive and we hopped in her car headed to Anderson from Simpsonville.
I shook in fear and a ball of holy shit, what should I do? I don’t know how to act with so many emotions inside. Fear, terror, frustration, love, anxiety, sadness, irritation for the long drive. I called Brad’s parents, which was an unnatural conversation to spread the fear. The 45-minute drive kept me questioning exactly how much blood had Brad lost? Would he be in surgery by the time I got there? Is he in shock and not telling me everything? Why did I ever leave him in the first place that morning? Finally, I ran into the hospital to Brad and his face said it all. An accident. He read: shocked but calm, yet uncertain.
Things Happen as Designed
Brad took off his belt and tourniquet his arm while our friend, Dan Mahoney drove him to Anmed Hospital. I called several more times to get as much information as possible. After a day of sitting in the ER, we were told by a rather rude surgeon that Brad’s situation “was not an emergency.” Finally, he was sent home, still bleeding. It turned out for the better because his surgery was performed over the course of 6 hours by a great surgeon, Dr. Schallor, that specializes in elbow trauma. I am thankful for Dan- for staying calm, talking to me on the phone, and driving Brad to the hospital.
Please note that the following pictures are pretty graphic. Of course, Brad sent me these to share so he knows they are here:
To answer the questions we usually get when tell this story:
How? Brad was trying to clear a reloaded bullet that was jammed in the chamber. He removed the magazine, then started to work on the jam. Unfortunately, he was working rushedly and turned the gun horizontally, it shot off, jerked up, and entered underside of forearm. We know we are never shooting reload ammo again, but Brad doesn’t remember much of the moment.
What kind of gun/load? Smith & Wesson M&P Shield, 9 mm. He has since got rid of it.
Are you going to quit shooting/hunting? Brad says no. He has actually went duck hunting and killed his first Mallard. Consequently, I personally believe his experience will make him an excellent teacher, Dad, and friend to hunt with as he is hyper aware now.
Where did it go? The entry point is in the bottom center of forearm. Furthermore, it traveled up through his arm and exited through his upper humerus, right through the elbow. It exited his arm out the back of his arm, as seen pictured below.
Was it painful? Brad dropped the gun and was unsure what happened. When he went to pick up the gun he realized his left arm was jello and broken. Dan must have noticed something off because he asked Brad if he was okay. Brad said yes at first, and then, “actually, I think I broke my arm?” Brad grabbed his arm and his finger slid into and felt the hole in his Drake Jacket. He stated “I think I shot myself.” Brad says he felt no pain until the nurses released the tourniquet at the hospital. This was Brad’s first hospital visit and first broken bone.
Brad laid in bed with a shattered elbow for 3 days until his surgery at Greenville Hospital Systems. Every movement induced pain. His surgery resulted in 3 plates and 12 screws. It took 8 months for his bones to 100% fuse back together.
I cannot speak for Brad, but I think he agrees that the whole year a mental challenge. Above all we were forced to take a humbling step back and find gratitude for our health and life.
Bad Things Can happen to Good People
It is heartbreaking to watch one the most happy-go-lucky people I have ever met troubled and chipped of confidence. I can see the weight of the event on his face. Accidents happen. Brad is an experienced outdoorsman and a careful, rule-follower. For the reason that he is particularly careful, he is the last one whom I would have expected this to happen.
6+ months of physical therapy left Brad with “100% functional recovery.” However, his range of motion a year later is about 60% that of his other arm and he still has no feeling in 3 fingers. We have paid over 10 thousand dollars in medical bills the past year and a half (including my eczema and skin problems).
This season of our life was challenging. We tumbled through it like a stone out of control down a rocky mountain. Although the difficulty of that situation is undeniable, I know we are both stronger than ever. We are both so grateful for 2019 and the fresh start it offers. We know it could have been much worse. Less than a foot from his heart, missing an artery. It could have been someone else or as Brad jokes, “could have been his truck!” We took 2018 day by day.
2018 will be remembered as the year it rained. Literally and metaphorically.
Part II – Dealing with Emotion
In 2018, I went to a counselor for a couple months. I started before Brad’s accident. I’ll admit that I was not in a good position mentally to support Brad through the events. Even prior to the situation- and really, as long as I can remember, I have experienced deep anxiety and depression. By March I realized I was a walking zombie. Brad could not join at yoga so I stopped going. I stopped everything. I worked, slept, and existed. Just empty on a level only someone who has experienced it could understand.
Simultaneously, my mind raced. I am writing an entire post on anxiety. But for this post I will say I finally talked to my doctor and got it sorted out. Once I went on a medication, I realized just how bad off I was when I finally tried a medication.
Part III – The Best We Can Do
We celebrated Brad’s 30th birthday in a series of surprises: a dinner celebration, spa day at Drift, and a flight in a Cessna over Greenville, Table Rock, and Clemson. I also bought him a rooftop tent that we used on a fun camping trip to Hot Springs, NC.
Because Brad could really only use his right arm to work out, he got really into disc golfing. He played several tournaments and even qualified with his friend Dave for the PDGA National Amateur Doubles Championship in Rock Hill, SC.
We celebrated and met a new nephew, Fenn, and watched his personality quickly develop. We spent a lot of beautiful time with family.
Brad and I watched all 10 seasons of Friends, Man in the High Castle, The Ranch, and more.
We got excited about little things and put up our Christmas decorations a week before Thanksgiving.
We had the time OF OUR LIVES running across Italy.
A spontaneous trip to Italy helped us get out of dodge and reset. We teased my sister and photographer, Tillman, to come with us and to both our surprise, she bought plane tickets.
We hit Rome, Venice, Florence, Positano, Pompeii, Herculaneum, Capri, and rode up and down the Amalfi Coast on the front of a private small yacht. That coverage is coming to the blog this January.
My blog grew this year. I actually profited on my blog through sponsorships and collaborations. I got my first paid sponsored posts. My brand developed and I said no to a lot of opportunities that did not fit. Further, I rebranded and created a new website.
Finally, I found joy in the little things again. Next, I started getting back into yoga and spending more quality time with Brad.
Reflections on 2018 Conclusion
As you can see, 2018 had its fair share of ups and downs. Regardless, life is designed to be a rollercoaster and I’d say we are pretty darn lucky. At the end of the day we survived and grew more than intended. We are both so glad this year is over. 2019 is starting off strong and I fully believe all the goals and progression we wanted in 2018 will happen this year. I had to put this experience in writing because Brad and I are both ready to let go of that memory, hardship, and stress. Finally, cheers to an inevitable beautiful year in contrast, and a friendly PSA to be careful with guns!
I hope your 2018 was blessed and memorable and that 2019 brings you health, love, friends, family, memories, and heaps of joy.
With Joy,
Audrey
