Of course when Brad and I got married, we agreed we wanted 2-3 children. Our plan was to enjoy marriage a few years and to wait to have kids when we truly felt prepared. There was no point at which I felt mentally prepared to drastically change my lifestyle. Brad and I talked about kids often. What our baby would be like, if we wanted a boy or girl, how we would teach him or her to camp, flyfish, and be better people than ourselves. We assumed it would just happen when we decided we were ready, but it happened in God knew we were ready. This is my recap of that emotional journey.
Mental Preparation
One day early 2017, I decided that I could see myself with a baby. There was no magic switch that helped me determine that “now” was the time, but I just knew I was ready to quit birth control. Considering pregnancy brought up a huge fear of post-partum, as I already lived with daily chronic depression and anxiety. I wanted to do it all healthily and at my very best for fear that being pregnant as my usual self would result in an unhappy baby.
The chemicals in my mind have simply never added up. I knew I needed to be different, happy- or simply content- before I got pregnant. I was not about to raise a child with my constant demeaning mindset. Addressing my depression had to be my first real step toward pregnancy.
After years of consideration and trying every other wellness technique I could, I went on on lorazepam in May 2018. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, yet the most rewarding and beautiful. It seems cliche, but it brought life from a fight-or-flight grey mask of survival to full living color of the present. That process took years and it was the first step toward me feeling ready for pregnancy. Wanting to have a baby was the number one motivation for finally talking to my doctor. An exact month later, I knew I could handle having a baby. I was finally the best person I could be for my baby, husband, and myself.
Now that I felt emotionally ready, It was time to actually go off birth control. It took me 3-4 months to get up the courage to stop – just in case. I remember Brad saying “oh you’re still taking it?” We have always been pretty laissez-faire about life and babies.
Ceasing birth control in 2018 brought excitement and anticipation that we would just become pregnant a few months later. We spent the summer enjoying ourselves and ended it with a beautiful trip to Italy in September 2018. We talked a lot about our “Italy baby” and how perfect the timing would be if we could do our announcement there- and then how perfect it would be if we got pregnant there. But God’s timing isn’t perfect for us- it is perfect for Him.
Sometimes Waiting is God’s Way of Helping Us Align Unknown Factors in our Life
When you decide it’s time, babies appear everywhere, magically. Everyone is pregnant. Sweet babies lock eyes with you in stores and read your soul. Baby clothes show up in your Instagram feed- I swear it’s a conspiracy. It’s a subtle yearning that is also terrifying. In today’s age, there is so much emphasis on self-growth, career, and financial independence that having children is often seen as a pause or end to your life. I disagree. I believe babies help clarify self-purpose and remind us that we are here to love and be loved.
So when fall, Christmas, and winter passed, I got my regular seasonal affective emotions due to lack of sunshine and Vitamin D. I always feel down in the winter, but I was also frustrated as to why it had not just magically happened the previous 6 months. On one hand, I figured I needed to accomplish a few things I have focused on the past 5 years – getting into real estate, running the half marathon that had been on my New Years Resolutions for over 10 years (literally), and flipping/selling our home. On the other, I just wanted had baby fever.
I tend to get obsessive when an idea gets in my head. I lie in bed wondering what is wrong with me. Perhaps my body could not bear children. I also have a history of amenorrhea due to my restrictive diet in college. Over winter, I had a few mental breakdowns and tears were shed. It’s extremely frustrating when things do not go as we plan. It would be frustrating when I would get my period as it meant I was not pregnant. Also, frustrating when I didn’t (I was truly all over the place) because it meant I was not ovulating.
Tracking Ovulation
Meanwhile, I have family asking me if I am ever going to get pregnant or have kids. Others may have incorrectly assumed we did not want any. After starting an ovulation tracker program last February. I realized that I was rarely, if ever, ovulating.
I started running out of subconscious frustration with the lack of progress I felt in life early last year. Running, like yoga, has always given me a quick moment of self-satisfaction and accomplishment. I also stay too busy and yearn for moments of quiet and reflection. (Stay with me- this is all related to my getting pregnant). We also got a HELOC and finished our attic into a loft, bedroom, and additional bathroom from Jan-Mar.
Forced Ovulation
Out of fear something was wrong with me, I asked Brad to get tests done. Of course, he was totally normal. After another 2 months of nothing, I went in for fertility testing. A few numbers were off, but I have plenty of eggs, so my OBGYN suggested a round of progesterone, which forces a period, and a round of letrozole, that forces ovulation. Both are oral pills. She said I would likely get pregnant and my chances of twins were increased by up to 7% with letrozole.
I told Brad I would quit my job by the time I turned 30. I chickened out for fear of the future. Over my 30th birthday, we went to Charleston with my family and ran the Cooper River Bridge Run. It felt amazing and I knew I would run my first half that year (2019). Brad surprised me with a trip to LA over my birthday. Again, babies were everywhere and another month and trip passed with no luck.
We finished our round of forced ovulation in May. It failed. I was sure that would work. I cried when I wasn’t pregnant after several tests. Maybe God just didn’t want me to have children. Maybe this was some sort of punishment. The whole process was stressful. Brad and I decided we would wait until we bought our next home and flipped it before we did another round of progesterone. We would try 3-4 rounds before moving to IUI, in-vitro-insemination, or artificial insemination. The next step after that is IVF, or in-vitro-fertilization. In-vitro anything also means shots, money, and time.
When my cousin Megan came to tell us she was pregnant, I could not have been more excited for her. Then my sister, Gabrielle was pregnant with her third. This is when I got pretty down about it.
After running my half marathon and selling our house, I knew there was one final thing on my heart to change. There were signs everywhere from God that it was time to quit my job. I also had a real estate opportunity lined up via our real estate agent, Joy. As we sold our house I had discussed that I wanted to change careers soon.
Stress is a Key Health Factor
I have never procrastinated anything as bad as I procrastinated quitting my job. For my personality, it was a toxic environment. One coworker told me that, “I would have to gain some weight to become pregnant.” I had been considering leaving my job for years. I immediately saw everything I had been planning the prior 3 years falling into place. I coordinated my last day with buying our new home.
The Dog Days are Over
About a month and a half later, I noticed exhaustion and body shape changes. Brad suggested I take a pregnancy test. He was in the shower when I realized it was POSITIVE!
Everything suddenly made sense. Letting go of a company that had not suited me for years. Working up the bravery to start antidepressants. Discovering a confidence that allowed me to run a half marathon. Bravery against the uncertain future – all came to a complete understanding. It was the way God intended. That little box reading “Pregnant” is confirmation that I am exactly where I need to be. All my gut decisions are divinely confirmed.
You are Not Alone
My heart goes out to the women that have done rounds of femara, IUI, IVF, and more. I cannot even begin to fathom the heartbreak. I feel your longing. God has huge plans for you and it is coming soon, I promise. If you are actively trying and becoming frustrated, do not wait to talk to your doctor. Stress absolutely makes this process harder. I’m so glad I went when I did. I would not be pregnant now without that boost of regulating progesterone. The progesterone helped regulate my body.
I’m already so in love with little Duncan it is unreal. I told Brad later that day at our new house. He was working on restoring his record player. I included some baby breath flowers, some baby shoes I had bought the year before for good luck, the test, and a card that read:
Boyfriend – 2012
Fiance – 2014
Husband – 2015
–> Daddy – 2020
Hindsight Conclusion
- Stop ignoring your intuition. All the life decisions I made in 2018 and 2019 were 100% me going with my gut and intuition. Each step took bravery and time to bring into fruition. Pregnancy was validation of every decision I made during that time. Now, everything makes sense. Trust that those gut decisions you are actively fighting will make sense once you actually brave up enough to take that path.
- Both your body and mind are extremely sensitive to stressors. Stress affects us in a deep, subconscious way that we do not fully understand as a society. Keep this in mind wherever you go. Maybe it is time you let go of the influences driving you south and embrace the things that support you.
- Everything happens in God’s timing. We do not often know the reasons in the present, but hindsight is 2020.
Thanks for reading and following TheAudreyReel.com. I can’t wait to continue sharing my life, love, wellness, and fashion with you all in 2020!
With Joy,
Audrey
